Nonviolent communication entails the need to decelerate our communication pace and refrain from interrupting, allowing us to genuinely listen and adopt a more impartial stance, observing our partner’s words, experiences, and emotions.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg, aimed at fostering understanding, empathy, and peaceful conflict resolution. In the context of couples, NVC provides a structured approach to communication that can greatly improve the quality of interactions and the overall health of the relationship. Here’s a more detailed explanation of how NVC works in couples:

Observation: NVC begins with the observation of specific behaviors, actions, or situations. Couples are encouraged to describe these observations without judgment, criticism, or evaluation. This helps to create a shared understanding of the situation.

• Example: Instead of saying, “You’re always on your phone when we’re together,” one might observe, “I noticed that during dinner tonight, you were using your phone frequently.”

Feeling: After making an observation, partners are encouraged to express their feelings about the situation. It’s essential to use “I” statements and share emotions honestly and vulnerably.

• Example: “When I saw you using your phone during dinner, I felt hurt and disconnected.”

Need: Couples are then asked to identify the underlying needs or values that are not being met in the situation. This step helps partners recognize their own needs and those of their significant other, fostering empathy and understanding.

• Example: “I need quality time together and a sense of being valued when we’re sharing a meal.”

Request: In the final step, partners make clear and specific requests of each other. These requests should be positive, actionable, and non-coercive. It’s important to frame requests as opportunities for collaboration, not demands.

• Example: “Could we agree to put our phones away during dinner and spend uninterrupted time together?”

In addition to these core components, there are other important aspects of NVC in couples:

• Active Listening: Partners take turns as speakers and listeners. The listener’s role is to give their full attention to the speaker, seeking to understand their feelings and needs without judgment or defensiveness. Reflecting back what was heard can help ensure accurate understanding.
• Empathy: NVC encourages partners to empathize with each other’s feelings and needs. Empathy involves acknowledging the other person’s emotions and needs, even if they differ from one’s own.
• Conflict Resolution: NVC provides a structured approach to resolving conflicts. It involves identifying triggers, expressing feelings and needs, and collaboratively finding solutions that meet both partners’ needs.
• Avoiding Blame and Criticism: NVC emphasizes personal responsibility and avoids blaming or criticizing one another. Instead of making accusations, couples focus on expressing their own feelings and needs.
• Regular Check-Ins: Implementing NVC can involve regular check-ins where couples discuss their feelings and needs openly. This proactive approach helps address issues before they escalate.

By incorporating Nonviolent Communication principles into their relationship, couples can cultivate more compassionate, open, and harmonious interactions. It promotes emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and effective conflict resolution, ultimately leading to a healthier and more fulfilling partnership.