Anger is often considered a secondary emotion. Usually, we initially experience a primary emotion such as fear, grief, or sadness. These primary emotions can evoke feelings of vulnerability and a sense of losing control, which can be uncomfortable. As a way of coping with these emotions, our subconscious sometimes shifts us into a state of anger.

One of the most constructive methods for conveying anger involves employing assertive communication, according to Julia Baum, a licensed therapist with practices in New York and California. This approach entails showing respect for both yourself and the individual you are engaging with during the conversation. Julia explains that the aim is to look after the well-being of both parties involved in the discussion. A clear and effective communication of anger, which doesn’t linger in your thoughts long after the incident, can be a sign of its healthiness. Perhaps the most evident signal that your anger is in a healthy state is when it allows you to feel fine about both yourself and the other person once it has been expressed.

Expressing anger in a healthy and constructive manner is essential for maintaining a strong and positive relationship. Here are some healthy ways to express anger in relationships:

Take a Step Back: Before reacting in anger, take a moment to pause and breathe. This can help you avoid saying or doing something you might regret later.

Use “I” Statements: Instead of blaming or accusing your partner, express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always…”

Express Your Feelings, Not Your Partner’s: Stick to talking about your own emotions and experiences rather than making assumptions about what your partner thinks or feels.

Be Specific: Clearly identify the issue or behavior that is causing your anger. Be specific about what is bothering you.

Listen Actively: Give your partner a chance to express their perspective and feelings as well. Practice active listening to understand their point of view.

Use Assertive Communication: Be assertive but not aggressive. Assertiveness allows you to express your needs and boundaries without disrespecting or attacking your partner.

Avoid Yelling and Name-Calling: Shouting and using derogatory language can escalate conflicts. Stay calm and respectful in your communication.

Take Responsibility: If you’ve made a mistake or contributed to the issue, take responsibility for your actions. Apologize if necessary.

Seek Compromise: Work together to find a solution or compromise that addresses the underlying issue. Be willing to give and take.

Use “Time-Outs” When Necessary: If a conversation becomes too heated, agree to take a break and revisit the discussion later when both of you are calmer.

Use Physical Outlets: Engage in physical activities like exercise or stress-relief techniques like deep breathing to manage anger before discussing it with your partner.

Maintain Boundaries: It’s important to set and communicate your boundaries within the relationship. This can prevent situations that lead to anger.

Consider Timing: Choose an appropriate time to discuss issues. Avoid bringing up sensitive topics during times of high stress or when your partner is busy.

Seek Professional Help: If anger issues persist or if the anger is causing harm in the relationship, consider seeking the assistance of a therapist or counselor who specializes in anger management or couples therapy.

Practice Forgiveness: After addressing the issue and finding a resolution, practice forgiveness and let go of lingering resentment.

Remember that anger is a normal emotion, and it’s how you express and manage it that can either strengthen or damage your relationship. Healthy communication and a willingness to work together are key to resolving conflicts in a constructive way.