No relationship has it all fixed up so much that there exist no moment of craze and frenzy as the case may be. I may ‘wow’ you by categorically stating that all relationships have that sourness no matter which people are involved in it. Ordinarily, this said sourness or disagreements or whatever anyone could choose to call it are not static. They come at some point and more often than not, after some time too it naturally vanishes away or is put to a stop by the deliberate acts of parties in the relationship. However, there are critical situations where this problem hardly finds a solution. This is when challenges rocking the existence of the relationship are such that it has got irretrievably bad and nothing can genuinely be done to salvage same. If it were in the case of marriage, it ultimately leads to divorce, and where it is not marriage yet, it leads to breakup. 

So, when it gets to that point where we can’t deal anymore or it becomes very clear that we have to move on, what do we do? Every relationship has what it has to teach and offer, it may not always bring about that fantasy of a happy ending, in fact, permit me to use the popular Nigerian parlance, some relationships, even the very seemingly most romantic ones can still “end in tears”. Yes, you read it from here!

Am I really advocating for breakups and quitting relationships when this Magazine seeks to promote love, build relationships and encourage better friendship? Well, maybe, your guess is as good as mine! The thing is I want you to also open your mind to the possibilities of a breakup, a collapse or splitsville and be ready, understand and manage such heartbreaking situations, where they may have to come. Continuing a wrong relationship only increases the pain when it finally does end. It is imperative you know the season to keep trying or move away. Ecclesiastes 3:1 put it correctly that “there is a season for everything, and a time for every matter under heaven”. You dig? I am particular about this because most of us find it very difficult to find ourselves again or live any better after a breakup. We do not have shock absolvers! I am therefore interested in building lovers who like the tribe of Issachar can understand the signs of the times and know the best course for themselves. It is needless reminding us that wisdom is the principal thing, and with thy entire getting, one needs to get understanding.

Alright, enough of scriptural references! I was only trying to lay foundation on the subject matter in discourse.

Now, what do you think we ought to do when all hell breaks loose? Literally, we have been so pushed to the wall that we can’t stand it anymore and we want out; it has deteriorated very badly that the centre can no longer hold; it is not just working! A lot of factors could crash relationships. I can’t tell which is predominant. Anything could just be it! Betrayal? Being dumped? Family? Background? Finances? Unfaithfulness? It could just be anything but what do we do? What do I do?

Without doubt, in many cases, we would have to ask ourselves whether we would have anything left to give in another relationship after a failed one.     Some may hurriedly wish for an end to any desire for relationships forthwith, others may wish to come in contact with the right person, the one and true love of their lives. Again, I will disappoint you to say that any of these two would be about the wrong choice of going about a breakup! O yes, this is so because love will come knocking on your doors again and you won’t always continue to shut your doors against it. And rushing into another relationship after a failed one is highly advised against. It is not a job. And there is no need for such rush. In most cases, you only find yourself rushing in and out of relationships.

In the light of the foregoing, I have a number of measures I have outlined for us to employ whenever we have come to the understanding that a given relationship is doomed and would eventually “end in tears”. My list is not exhaustive; however, I strongly know that I have provided proven and reliable mechanisms that have worked over the years across people of diverse religion, culture, colour and background.

The first thing to do is to start building a new you. You know your ex must have probably found some very annoying behaviour about your lifestyle? It may have meant nothing really to you and perhaps, you paid little attention to them. But wasn’t he always saying it? Didn’t you hear him say things like “You are too annoying, you always think about yourself all the time!”– I know you think he is wrong, or even so truly, he is. But this time around you really need to evaluate yourself and improve on the small stuff about you. Sometimes, you may not want to admit it, but you are actually the toxic person in a relationship. “Times will come in life when you’ll realize you’ve made a mistake. At that moment, you have two choices: You can swallow your pride and “pull a few nails,” or you can foolishly continue your course, hoping the problem will go away. Most of the time the problem will only get worse. I’m giving you this tool to remind you of this principle: When you realize you’ve made a mistake, the best thing you can do is tear it down and start over.”  It’s all gone now and what matters most is your life at this moment. The other leg to recovering from a breakup under this subject matter is to find you. The truth remains that in relationships we often tend to forget ourselves. For the sake of love, there were things you hindered yourself from doing. There could have been drives, projects and ambitions that you wanted to pursue. This becomes the time to try them. Find purpose and meaning to your life!

Also, a recovery measure for one to try is to set one’s standard too high. This does not in any way suggest pride or arrogance but self-esteem and self-worth. In so doing, beware and take caution against playing the “pepper dem” system to which many ladies of nowadays are fond of. You may disagree with me; I think this “pepper dem” style is most common with ladies after a breakup. For instance, we always knew you loved to go hiking, you went a few with him, and those times you cared less about posting all of that on your social media handles, but see what you’ve now made of yourself, an unemployed reporter. A simple outing where you are taking sips from a chilled coke is seen posted on your Instagram. What baffles me the most is the kind of captions that follow suit. This is a very funny way of airing your grievances. You now rush to take pictures with any guy who appears classy or those whom you know your ex is not in their league simply to “pepper” him. Funny too is the fact that some ladies tend to hurriedly have what is known as “break up sex”. This is not helpful for you. Don’t rush yourself out of the healing process. It will take long time. Don’t try to fake it that you are doing fine and that you are a tough person. Cry if need be. Wail even, it is usually after those tears that you can find your resolve and stand up strong. To set your standard high is to know what’s worth it. What’s worth your time and energy. It’s about the priorities you’ve set for yourself. You have to do this with your head! Does it benefit your intellect or spirit being? Does it guarantee your peace of mind and focus? It makes you to place yourself a little above the usual. Monetarily, if I was earning 10k per month over the job I do and I know that my services are more than that, this is that point I request for a pay rise!

Another thing one must guide against after a breakup is self-pity. It is a destroyer, very cancerous. We can so easily allow self-pity to seep into our hearts. When we feel lonely or crave someone to love and be loved by, it seems we have every reason in the world to worry, to sulk angrily. You can hardly think about positives and make proper plans for your life because self-pity would always bring you to your pillows with sorrows and regrets as you transverse through memories and vain wishes. This is where all the “what if’s” are birthed, weaned and trained. I bet you, this isn’t what you deserve at all! You don’t stay always feeling sorry for yourself. You begin to nurse ideas that you were cheap, you were used or that you were dumped. This worry even multiplies your sorry state and would ultimately wreck the remaining pound of flesh left in you. I need not mention that when all hell breaks loose, alcohol and drugs is the worst succour you can ever desire. You think you can drink away the thought of your ex? Time heals all wounds and breakups are no exception. So, I urge you to turn off any feeling whatsoever of self-pity, even when they come in form of regrets. Just tell yourself, “I need to keep moving on”. To this end, it is better you find time to engage in social activities, work and hangouts. In fact, as much as you can, spend a lot of time outside. Use these times to forgo the pains that have kept you glued to your pillows and enjoy fresh air.

Don’t be bitter. Be a friend. The anger and vexation that sits on our hearts after a breakup can really suggest evil thoughts in our minds. Firstly we become aggressive to innocent persons. This is clear transfer of anger. Secondly, we will forever give up any likelihood of being friends with those we scattered “I love yous” and “I miss yous” on over the mail and texts. Instantly, they turn from friends to strangers, from lovers to enemies. Maturity is understanding that your ex is not your enemy but someone who was not meant to be with you forever. I could understand the pain. It’s sometimes a hateful feeling but breakup shouldn’t always mean an end to friendship. It has never been my idea. This may not augur well with some people. The feeling is often like, if they wanted out, they should remain out forever. At times like this, we find exes shit talking against themselves. You surround yourself with those people that would bring down your ex and make you feel justified that the breakup came, maybe, even giving you the false tales that you were better than your ex from the start and perhaps shouldn’t have been in the relationship in the first place. One thing you must know is that your happiness need not be contingent on someone else’s pain. Let me also state it clearly that it is important to guide yourself against any probabilities of returning to that relationship irrespective of how you could be tempted. Be a friend but maintain a distance. I am not saying it is wrong to stay off from this person that hurt you, but my emphasis is on the fact that you shouldn’t wish him evil or grow the mindset to reciprocate evil with evil.

A major challenge that could affect you after a breakup is who you lean on during those times. Hardly is there an occurrence of breakup where the parties would talk with people over the end of their time with their partners. Good a thing, everyone knows that close friend who speaks the honest truth in the most respectful and matured manner. It is him or her you need to counsel you. You don’t need those of your friends who would just align themselves with exactly what you want to hear– to talk thrash of your ex. In fact, I again strongly recommend that you call an older and wiser confident who always seems to know the right things to say. It may not necessarily be your friend even. It could be your neighbour, your mom or anyone whom you can count on his or her experience to be productive in healing you. Be intentional about whom you lean on in times like this.

Your previous and broken relationship didn’t have everything negative. Therefore, acknowledging the positives in the relationship is a way to go after a breakup! No doubt, there must positives, really good ones. Acknowledge those positive aspects and take them home with you.

Last but not the least, how to manage your mental health is as sacrosanct as life after an end in a relationship. The pain, grief and depression that may want to set into your life after a breakup requires you build a very strong mental capacity to withstand it. Don’t lose your mind. Thinking overtly is not good for your mental health. Your mental health influences how you think, feel, and behave in your daily life. It also affects your ability to cope with stress, overcome challenges, build relationships, and recover from life’s setbacks and hardships. Mental health is much more than being free from depression, anxiety or other psychological issues. It has more to do with having positive characteristics. These characteristics includes; a sense of contentment, the ability to deal with stress and bounce back from adversity, a sense of meaning and purpose, in both their activities and their relationships etc. This ability is called resilience. Importantly, learn how to keep your stress levels in check.

Summarily, I hope your love life is one that wouldn’t at anytime require you find yourself in situations wherein these advice are needful. It is my prayer and hope that your relationship be full of evergreen charity, peace and progress. And, ultimately land you into that dream of a home, Amen.